Tonight we wanted pizza, so I shuffled off to Bertuccis for it - I had to swing by Staples for some school supplies anyway - my daughter needed more critical notebook attachments. Somehow, I got through school with a looseleaf binder (1), paper, and a few pens. My daughter and her classmates show up looking like they are preparing to invade Russia with Napolean's army. It might be progress, but it sure looks like something else. So anyway... back to the pizza.
My wife likes Feta cheese and pepperoni, my daughter and I like plain (or, if they offer it, hot peppers). We all like extra tomato sauce. So I ordered 2 pies - one small, one regular - both extra sauce. This is where I (again) ran into the conundrum that Lileks explained so well a year or so ago:
I'm not looking for the perfect pizza, a circular Beatrice I can love unconditionally - just a good hot bubbly pizza with lots of sauce. That's all. A pizza that does not dole out the sauce as though it is a precious substance gathered by the dram at great expense by men in boats, far from home, following the herds of ocean-going tomatoes as they ply the world of wave and spume.
And further down:
It's not as if I'm asking them to arrange the pepperoni just so, and I send the pizza back if the pepperoni pieces overlap. All I want is extra sauce. Not extra wignlesput, or extra blompgretna, or any other extra noun that does not exist in the narrowly defined world of the pizza prep table. Extra sauce. See that sauce, there? In the pot? Put some on the crust. Now, concentrating hard on the word "extra," add some more.
HOW HARD CAN THIS BE?
My sentiments exactly. I swear, you say "extra sauce", and all they hear is "extra" - which translates to "extra cheese" in pizza parlor parlance, apparently. It seems that other than Lileks, my wife and I are the only two people in the western hemisphere who want extra sauce - how else to explain the stubborn lack of attention on the part of every place I order pizza from? I don't think "sauce" sounds a lot like "cheese", but hey, what do I know - I don't work in the pizza business. I'm going to start ordering the sauce on the side in a container - I wonder whether they'll just hand me bags of shredded mozzarella...